*** Adult Truths ***
9 Sep
Written By
1.I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear yourcomputer history if you die.
2.Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’rewrong.
3.I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4.There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5.How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6.Was learning cursive really necessary?
7.Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I knowhow to get out of my neighborhood.
8.Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the persondied.
9.I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10.Bad decisions make good stories.
11.You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when youknow that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of theday.
12.Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want tohave to restart my collection…again.
13.I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I wantto save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not makeany changes to.
14..I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answerwhen they call.
15.I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
16.I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17.I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18.I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19.How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nodand smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20.I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to preventa jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21.Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and youcan wear them forever.
22.Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not knowwhat time it is.
23.Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in apocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’dbet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, inabout 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24.The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 andthe first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men torealize that their brain is also important.
(Ladies……QuitLaughing!!)
Healthe past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoylife!!!
An Update On Cinderella
15 Aug
Written By
I received this email this morning and it made me smile. I hope it can brighten your day as well!
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching theworld go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob forcompanionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairygodmother.
Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother,what are you doing here after all these years’?
The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived anexemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heartstill yearns?’
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtfulconsideration, she uttered her first wish:
‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish Iwere wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,’Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’
The fairy godmother replied,’It is the least that I can do..
What do you want for your second wish?’ Cinderella looked down at her frailbody, and said,’I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I oncehad.’
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching theworld go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob forcompanionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairygodmother.
Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother,what are you doing here after all these years’?
The fairy godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived anexemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heartstill yearns?’
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtfulconsideration, she uttered her first wish:
‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish Iwere wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,’Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother’
The fairy godmother replied,’It is the least that I can do..
What do you want for your second wish?’ Cinderella looked down at her frailbody, and said,’I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I oncehad.’
At once, her wish became reality, andher beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirringsinside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
‘You have one more wish; what shall it be?’
Cinderella looks over to thefrightened cat in the corner and says, ‘I wish for you to transform Bob, my oldcat, into a kind and handsome young man.’
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change inhis biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man sobeautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, ‘Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.’
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was goneas suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing atthe most beautiful,stunningly perfect man she had ever seen..
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in herrocking chair, & held her close in his young musculararms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as hewhispered…
‘Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off.’
How To Bath A Cat
3 Aug
Written By
*I took this from one of my best friends blogs. She is also the one who taught me about designing and she still helps me out when I mess up crap and need to fix it.
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1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Great Letters!
8 Jul
Written By
I got this email at work and it made me smile so I figured you guys would like it as well!
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Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5. Not cool.
Sincerely, Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood
pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Sincerely, The Titanic
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely, Google
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can’t touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack
PS, you totally let go.
Dear Girls Who Have Been Dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Sincerely, BP
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain…..no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin
Dear Batman,
What exactly was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You’re the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You’re welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because
some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely, The Mayans
Dear American People,
Don’t you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely, Native Americans
Dear Smart Phones,
Please stop spell-checking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely, Every Smart Phone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up…
Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It’s kinda cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, Elephant
Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this world and I
was here first.
Sincerely, Dr. Pepper
Another Great E-mail
29 Jun
Written By
I do like this approach!! Too bad none of our politicians can get this done…
This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX Nov 18, 2010
Put me in charge . . .
Put me in charge of food stamps. I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for
Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans,
blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want
steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I’d do is to get women
Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we’ll test
recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and
piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get
tats and piercings, then get a job.
Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your
“home” will be s ubject to inspections anytime and possessions will be
inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your
own place.
In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or
you will report to a “government” job. It may be cleaning the roadways of
trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We
will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo
and speakers and put that money toward the “common good.”
Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of
the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before
you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self esteem,”
consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for
doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people’s m istakes we should at least
attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system
rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.
AND While you are on Gov’t subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is
correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will
voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov’t
welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.
Fake Friends
16 Jun
Written By
FAKE FRIENDS/REAL FRIENDS:FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. / Mrs.
FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. / Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM
FAKE FRIENDS: Never see you cry
FAKE FRIENDS: Never see you cry
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you
FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back
FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it’s yours
FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you
FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you
FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you
FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say ‘I’M HOME!’
FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life
FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk bad to the person who talks bad about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock the person out that talked bad about you
FAKE FRIENDS: Won’t care if you are hurting and will blow you off in a time of need
REAL FRIENDS: Will be hurt if you are hurt and stay with you in a time of need
FAKE FRIENDS: Would ignore this
FAKE FRIENDS: Won’t care if you are hurting and will blow you off in a time of need
REAL FRIENDS: Will be hurt if you are hurt and stay with you in a time of need
FAKE FRIENDS: Would ignore this
REAL FRIENDS: Will send this to all their real friends and hope to get it back!
If you were killed today, I’m sorry I wouldn’t be able to come to your funeral,
because I’d be in jail for killing the person who did it
If you were killed today, I’m sorry I wouldn’t be able to come to your funeral,
because I’d be in jail for killing the person who did it
I wanted to let you know that I love you to death & think you are amazing!
Giveaway Winner & A Priceless Story!
7 Jun
Written By
I am sorry that I didn’t post the results of the giveaway yesterday but the day got away from me.
The winner is #4 Kelly! I will email you and if I haven’t back from you in 48 hours I will pick a new winner!!!!
Congratulations!
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Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.
Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”
“Really?” my grand-son asked.
“Cross my heart,” the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already.”
Dead Cow Lecture at Vet School
13 Apr
Written By
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body”. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”
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