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I Wish Mine Was Happy

25 Oct
Written By

Some of you may know that my best friend is pregnant with her first baby. I am so excited for her and happy that she is finally getting the family she has wanted for so long so please don’t take this post the wrong way. When I see how happy she is I wish I could have felt that happiness when I was pregnant. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew that she wasn’t meant for me and that I was going to place her for adoption. I never got to be excited that I was pregnant. I see women that are so excited and I wish that my pregnancy could have been like that. I was so sad the whole time because I knew what the end out come as going to be. It is hard to explain what it is like being pregnant and knowing that after you give birth that you are going to walk away and place your child with another family. I also wonder if it would be harder to place a child for adoption if you didn’t know from the start that is what you were going to do. I don’t regret placing her for adoption but I wish things were different while I was pregnant.

I have been thinking about volunteering to help out other birth moms that have placed their children or are going to be placing them. While I was pregnant I attended a support group that was held at the agency I went through. I went through a agency that is run by a church and I think there need to be more groups for birth moms to go. I know that some people wouldn’t be comfortable attending the group I did because of the ties to the church. I just see such a need for birth moms to have a place to go and take to others who know how they feel.

People see how I am now and get frustrated because they aren’t were I am. What they don’t understand is my daughter is now 6 years old and I have had people to talk to about it all. Now that being said people don’t know that I can’t look at her baby pictures because they make me cry. I have her pictures when she is older framed and on my walls but I can’t bring out her baby pictures because they make me sad. I am sorry this post is all over but I have been thinking a lot about adoption lately and I hope I can find a way to help other birth moms.

Crazy. . .

7 Sep
Written By

What a week I have had. It has been crazy and I have hardly had the time to breathe let alone post to my blog even though I have so much to update about. As you can see I never got Freaky Friday Follow up this week either. It will be up next Friday just ran out of time this week to get it all set up. Anyway, My grandpa’s brother died on Sunday night and that has left most of my family depressed. My grandpa also lost his oldest sister just over a month ago. It has been a rough month to say the least. To top off my crazy week I have also started talking to the birth father of my daughters as well. I have always wondered what could have been with him and I but I wasn’t in a place to talk to him again. My daughter turned 6 in July and it has taken me six years to get to a place where I was no longer mad about going through it all alone. It is crazy how things have changed over the years. I am also amazed that it took 6 years for me to realize that how it happened was the best way for it to happen.

I started this post  last week and I am just now getting around to finishing it. All I can say work is crazy right now and so is home life.  As far as talking to my daughters father again I am not sure what will become of that.  I am a firm believe that people are in your past for a reason but I truly wonder what would have been if things had been different.  I hate the not knowing.  I do wonder what can happen but at the same time I am scared to find out.  It doesn’t help matters that he is on the other side of the country either. 

Okay I give up this post  will just have to be ended here because I don’t have the time to finish it!  I hope everyone is having a good week and be on look out for my new design site and some great giveaways coming when I launch the site!  Also I have a great post about my idiot husband to write up as well.
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Filed Under: Alex, Birth Dad, BRITA, Death, FAMILY

Another Year Older

7 Jul
Written By
Happy Birthday little girl!  Never forget that I love you and wish you all the best in life! 

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Filed Under: Adoption, Birthday, BRITA
1 May
Written By

Friday I had my infusion and lets just say that for the first time since I have been doing them I had to get poked twice.  She kept digging with the first needle until I told her I couldn’t deal with the pain any longer.  There is nothing that hurts more than a nurse fishing around in your arm trying to get a vein that she has missed but doesn’t want to re-due it and get it right.  After about 3 or 4 minutes digging around I finally said that’s enough.  I can’t take the pain anymore.  She then poked me again a little higher up on the vein and got it in the first time.  Now where I was poked at hurts and I got a battle wound (bruise).

I also got an email from my daughters adoptive family.  It totally made my Friday.  They told me about her and also enclosed two pictures for me.  I am not going to post them but if you would like to see them let me know and I will email them to you.  I can’t believe how big she has gotten and how much she looks like my little brother.  She is short like I am but has the coloring of my little brother.  They said that she is all girl and is really good in school.  I was so glad to hear from them and happy that she is doing good.  It will be six years in July since I had her and placed her for adoption.  I know I made the right choice when I look at her pictures and see how happy she is.

I didn’t do that well this week when it comes to not eating.  I tried my best but lets just say that this week wasn’t the best.  I also haven’t done well on my diet but I am going to try and go walking tomorrow even though I will have to go by myself.  I really just need to charge my Ipod and go for a walk every night.  I need to lose the weight and I also need to get in shape for our trip to Yellowstone this summer.

That is all I have for today.  I still have a few spots left for designs so let me know if you are interested in getting a free design!

http://theworldasiseeitbloganddesigns.com/friday-i-had-my-infusion-and-lets-just/

New Design

26 Apr
Written By

As you can tell I have redone my design again.  That is the bad thing about learning how to design my own blogs.  Now I can change it up as often as I want to.  This design is super bright and I am not sure how I feel about it yet. I may end up changing some of the colors up tonight so that isn’t so bright but who knows.  Those that know me know that it will change soon enough because I get bored easily.  If you have any ideas on a theme I should do next let me know.  I am always looking for new themes and new graphics to use.

I wrote a letter to the lady that adopted my daughter on Friday.  My curiosity got the best of me and I am curious as to what she is like now and what she looks like.  Since I sent the email I find myself checking my emails all the time.  I hope they write back but I have to wonder if they will write back or if they will just ignore it and pretend that they never received the email.  I wonder how people who placed their kids for adoption when things were so closed how they managed and dealt with it.  If it was still closed like that I don’t know that I could have place my daughter.  I am so thankful that things are more open with most adoptions anymore.  I also know that they don’t have to talk to me anymore.  I hope I hear from them but I will understand if they don’t write me back.  I made me decision when she was bored and now the rest of the choices are made by them and her when she gets older.

I am still looking for people who are in need of a blog design.  If you know of someone or would like one yourself let me know.   I am going to be hosting a giveaway for a free design as well.  Right now I can only design blogs that are hosted by Blogger but if you know someone who uses wordpress or any other host let me know and I can get their information to the lady that taught me all I know.

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Filed Under: Adoption, BRITA, New Design

Mom . . .

19 Apr
Written By

I have been thinking a lot about my own daughter and it has made me think about my own mom.  I have to wonder how my mom can treat me like she does.  I know I could never do what she is doing to me to Brita.  I can’t wrap my head around a mother not caring about her kids.  I understood about her not looking for me but since I have found her she wants nothing to do with us.  I thought mothers loved their children and would want a relationship with them.  I don’t understand how she can just turn off her love for me and my brother.  How do could she just walk away when I was 8 and never come back?  Its like she has just forgotten about us and is able to pretend we don’t exist. 

When I called her on this stuff she told me I didn’t have to mean!?!?!?  Funny thing about it is that I wasn’t mean to her I was just being honest with her and telling her how I feel.  As I read through my email I guess I can see how she thought I was being rude but in the end all I was doing is saying how I felt and she didn’t understand that. As I read through her response back to me it seemed like a whole bunch of excuses.  She is always blaming it on everyone but herself.  What sucks is the fact that since she sent that last email I haven’t heard from her once. I was going to included the actual emails but now that I am thinking about it I have decided that I am going to take them out only because I am hurt and I might regret putting them in the post one day.  I know this post has rambled and probably talked about the same things over and over again but like I always say “This is my blog take it or leave it!”. 

For all you parents out their how do you forget you have 2 children????

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Filed Under: BRITA, Confused, Hurt, Mom

A Rough Time

8 Mar
Written By
This last weekend was super tough for me.   I am switching antidepressants because of my eating disorder and things are not going well at all.   I had my infusion on Friday and I really think it messed with me bad.  I literally slept all day Saturday so I didn’t take any of my pills.  Then on Sunday I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to get sick.  Let me tell you never again will I miss any days of taking my antidepressants.  Now to top off the missing two days I am starting the new one.  I am a total mess.  I hate messing with antidepressants it is so stressful and not to mention emotional.   I am sit and think today of everything and have to wonder how I have made it this far in life.  I have gone through some major stuff and yet “most” days I am able to keep going and not think about all my past issues.   Although the past few days though I find that I am barely hanging on by a thread.  I find it hard to deal with all of my past issues right now.  I know when I am evened out on my antidepressants that I am okay and I can deal with the day-to-day things going on.  I sit at work with my personal life in chaos and can’t even get away because work is a joke right now.   I never before have seen when it rains it pours come anymore true than right now.

I was getting to leave work yesterday and I broke down crying because I remembered like it was yesterday all the emotions and feelings I had when I placed my daughter for adoption almost 6 years ago.  I sit here and I can remember all the feelings I felt when I saw her for the first time.  She was about 12 hours old before I even saw and held her.  When I went into the hospital I didn’t want to ever see her.  Before I had her I felt that it would be easier for me if I never saw her or held her.  I had called my night nurse for a pain pill.  When the nurse came in with the pain pill she told me that it was time to feed my daughter and asked me if I would like to feed her.  As I was sitting there in the middle of the night I knew it was something I needed to do.  After the nurse brought her in and left the room I remember looking at my daughter and crying because I knew if a few short days I was going to place her with her family.  I remember feeling so happy that she was here and perfect but so sad knowing that every minute that went by was one less minute I was going to have her with me.   Then as I thought about it more all the feelings that I had when I was signing away my rights to her came back as well.  I can remember sitting there with my social worker and two nurses with the pen in my hand and the paper in front of me thinking that if I didn’t hurry and sign the papers I never was going to be able to do it.  I remember when I was down the great weight I felt on my shoulders and still have that weight today.  I hoped then and still do hope that I did what was best for her.  I pray every day that I truly did what God wanted me to do.   I remember sitting there after I signed holding her and knowing that the time to say goodbye was there.  We were all talking and I got quiet and started to tear up.  I knew in my heart that it was time to hand her over to her family and walk away.   I remember getting up and handing her off to her adoptive dad and then turning around and breaking down because of what was going on.  I vaguely remember the adoptive mom asking if she could give me a hug and me saying no.  At that point I watched as they walked out of the room with her.  I then got in a wheel chair and left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.

It is hard to be at work and feel all of that like it was happening yesterday.   It is hard for me to feel all these emotions and know that they will pass soon but not sure how long I can hold out for that time to come.  This post is just a lot of rambling but I hope it helps me because now it is out.  There is more that I am feeling but I don’t have the emotional capacity to write about it now.   I hope that everyone has had a better weekend than me.  As for the NES update and an MS post I will hopefully pick those up again next week!

Pour Your Heart Out

3 Nov
Written By

I am writing this post for Shells Pour Your Heart Out.  I had another post scheduled for today but after reading some blogs by couples are looking to adopt and watching a music video I knew in my heart that I needed to post this.  As I am writing this I am crying but it is something that I hope will help heal me in time.

It is national adoption month and it has hit me hard.  I have found blogs of great couples looking to adopted and I can’t help but get sad when I read them.  I feel so bad for them and yet it brings my own pain of being a birth mom up again.  It is something I haven’t totally dealt with because it hurts and no one likes to hurt.  I can’t believe my daughter is 5.  Right now it seems like just yesterday and I placed her for adoption.  When I go to the stores and see the baby clothes it makes me sad because in my head she is still that little.  I have shared my story on here before so I am not going to write about that again instead I think I am going to write a letter to her.  All I ask if you have nothing nice to say then keep your mouth shut. 

Dear Brita,

I can’t believe you are already 5 years old.  I remember like it were yesterday being pregnant with you and you pushing your feet so hard in my side that I would push it back and you would push even harder.  I remember the months of being sick while I was pregnant and finding out who where true friends and who weren’t.  I can remember going into labor and not wanting to be because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.  I knew once you were born I was going to have to say goodbye and I didn’t know  how I was going to make it through saying goodbye.  I can remember watching you with your parents and know I was making the right choice but that didn’t make it hurt any less.  I can remember handing you to your dad and them walking out with you in their arms.  I remember the pain but I also know that it was the right option for you.  If I could go through it all again I would because I know without a doubt that You are where you are supposed to be.  I hope you grow up happy.  I would say and loved but I know they love you with all their hearts.  I hope you never doubt the love I have for you.  I will always love you no matter what you do.  I placed you because I knew I couldn’t give you what you deserved in life.  You deserve so much more than I could ever give you!  I know you will do great things in life and that is why I placed you.  In closing know that I love you and miss you everyday!!!!

Love,
Margaret

Writers Workshop

9 Sep
Written By

This weeks for the Writers Workshop I decided to combine the first to prompts because I can fit both of them.  Here are the first 2 prompts: 1.) A list of things you no longer have in common with your single/childless friends…and why you love them anyways, 2.) A list of things you no longer have in common with your married/child bearing friends…and why you love them anyways.  I fit into both of them because yes I have had a child so I understand what it feels like to have a child and the love you feel for that child but I also placed her for adoption so I don’t know what the sleepless night feel like or what parenting is like.  I know what not having kids feels like as well so I feel like I don’t fit in either group anymore.  I fit the best when I find other girls that have placed a baby for adoption and know the feelings that go along with it.  I still love all of my friends but I am starting to wish that I had more friends that had placed their children for adoption.  I just am finding that a have a few things in common with both groups but I also have enough different from them that I don’t really fit in with either group.  I hate being in the group I am in but I know I am here because I made the best choice I could make for her. This weeks post is short but I feel as if I covered everything I need to!

Writers Workshop

26 Aug
Written By

This week I picked topic number  3.) “It was as if an invisible thread hooked her to her boy. The thread could go taut or slack but it could never come undone, it could never reach the end of its spool because there was no end; it bound them forever.” What does unconditional love mean to you?

I picked this one because it is easy for me to write about.  I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 20 so I think I definitely have a view on what unconditional love is. Unconditional love is doing something for someone else even if it is going to hurt you.  I think most parents have this for their children.  Even when children mess up and do something wrong.  They may be mad and disappointed but in the end they still love you.  I say most parents because I don’t believe that my own mother loves me unconditionally but that is another post.

Anyway back to the subject at hand.  I love my daughter so much that I was willing to let her go and go to her family.  It hurts but to this day I still love her.  I can’t wait for when she is older and wanted to get to know me.  It will feel so good to know that she can see that I made the best choice for her.  I love her unconditional and nothing she could do would change that.
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Filed Under: BRITA, Love, Writers Work Shop
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